Stop lying, I know you look at porn!

The title of this article could just have easily been any of these:

  1. Stop lying, I know you play online poker!
  2. Stop lying, I know you click on ads claiming you’ve won a prize!
  3. Stop lying, I know you download from unreliable sources!
  4. Stop lying, I know you do all of these things and probably other stupid shit!

That last one would have been a little confusing out of the context of the list but let me tell you what I mean…

You are one of these kinds of people

  1. Someone who knows about IT security
  2. Someone who THINKS they know about IT security
  3. Someone who knows nothing about IT security
  4. Someone who… HEY!  I just won an iPhone!  If I just sign up for a few of these free offers with their partner companies they’ll deliver it right to my house!

All of these people are capable of getting viruses, malware or adware on their computer, but the latter 3 are more likely, with the second and fourth kinds of people being the worst.  People who know nothing tend to be paranoid and not do anything dangerous on their computer out of terror that internet worms will infest their colon… or something, and people who know how to protect themselves know how to fix a problem when it goes wrong so we tend not to hear from them.

That brings me to you 2’s and 4’s out there also known as total fucking liars. Time and time again I deal with friends, family and coworkers who have MYSTERIOUSLY had a virus infect their computer.   They never seem to know how it happened and recently (after hearing and old coworker use the same technique) I started just backing these asshole right into a corner.

A virus, malware, WORM infected corner.

When someone tells me they got a virus the first thing I ask them is “What kind of porn were you watching when this started happening?”  This obviously leads to a lot of “Uh I uh, what? I mean, I don’t uh.  I don’t watch porn!”

And maybe they don’t, not everyone watches porn after all.  But if it isn’t porn then it’s online gambling, a rampantly overused limewire fetish, the discovery (and complete misunderstanding) of torrents… No matter what it is the fact of the matter is you DON’T get viruses from using Gmail or reading icanhascheezburger.com. (I know you can, but you know what I mean so STFU)

In our corporeal forms we have to have ill hygiene and bad habits to get sick easily or frequently and cyberspace is no different.

When you visit a website you visit every website THAT website has ever been with.  All of them.

And after all, I don’t care… I don’t care at ALL what you do with your broadband connection.  Watch elder porn, gamble your house away and steal movies that haven’t even been filmed yet!  It’s not my problem but once you start bitching to me about a problem that is completely and totally your own fault you can at least be honest about how it happened.

It’s not like we won’t know anyway.

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